261: Dear You (6th Letter)

Dear You

Hope is such a delicate, fragile thing.

Finding out I haven’t got much time makes chances with you even more valuable, and I wonder if life could naturally grant me more opportunities to make up for the lack of time. If this love is true, as I believe it could potentially be, it truly tests my faith that love is not possessiveness, and I could only love you from afar for the time being.

There are so many things I wish to say, but I know now is not the time yet. There are so many things I wish to do for you, but I know it must be done in context or they pull no weight with a person like you. Love is not about what another person does, it’s about who the other person is, and service is but an aid to a person’s heart. As much as friends encourage me to do something about it, I resist strongly, knowing it has yet to come naturally until life shows me a sign.

I do not believe anyone could come and sweep you off your feet, which is why I am patient despite the counting down of the clock. If for some unfortunate reason that happens, then I know you are not the one for me. I believe you are careful with who you truly open up with, and I may scare you with my open nature. Yet, I have learned that one has to be vulnerable to open others up, and if there’s anyone who could take the hurt of loss and rejection, it is me. I have nothing to lose, not even hope.

I wish time could stop for us, and I could use this moment to take my time shower you with the love I have built up over the years. Sadly, my wishes always come with a curse, so I no longer believe in wishes. I can only hope as time trickles down to your leaving. I can only hope to do the best for you for the short time we have left. I can only hope for you to allow me to do so.

That’s the best I could hope for.

Love

260: Dear You (5th Letter)

Dear You

I was warned that it would be extremely difficult to open you up. My friends repeatedly question me whether I’m serious about you, well let’s just say I know the worth of what I have found.

Everyday I hope for an opportunity to talk to you, everyday I hope for a way to have you respond. I would wish you good morning and all, but I fear it’ll bore you and you get afraid feeling I’m overwhelming. I would ask you how did your day go, but I fear it’ll be no different from what other people ask of you. I would ask you out to lunch or dinner but I fear you would put up your defences. I know I have to be patient, and I remind myself that every single day. Every step I take towards you would be a risk, knowing one wrong move would have you set fire to the bridge I’m building – made of silk and intricately woven.

Naturally, I wonder if we met at the wrong time, just as life has taught me with all the right people I’ve been blessed with. As much as it pains me if that were true, I suppose I just have to carry on looking. Yet, I have found you, and I am never one to give up oh-so-easily. Even when I do, I’m never one to leave without being honest.

Some people say they don’t believe we have to look for love, it will just happen. I say love would not happen by chance – we find what we seek. I know if I were to stay still for too long, if I were to not act at all, then I’ll disappear, as I did for the past two years. I would just be a figment of your imagination, in love with the idea of you and not you as a person.

I would like to believe all the signs point me to you, and it’s just a matter of you seeing the same thing. But I have learned much and hard, carrying painful lessons of what it means to fall for someone that’s not meant for me. Love is such a delicate thing.

Patience is an eternal flame, never burning too hot, and it would eventually thaw your ice-cold heart.

Love

259: Smoke and Mirrors

Smoke and Mirrors
Imagine Dragons
Smoke + Mirrors

This is my word
This is my way
Show me a sign
Sweep me away

Deep in my heart, deep in my mind
Take me away, take me away
This is my word

All that I’ve known
Buildings of stone
Fall to the ground
Without a sound

This is my word
Heartbreaker, gatekeeper
I’m feeling far away, I’m feeling right there

I’m starting to cave
I’m losing my flame
I wanted your truth
But I wanted the pain
To disappear

Dream maker, life taker
Open up my mind

All I believe
Is it a dream
That comes crashing down on me?

All that I hope
Is it just smoke and mirrors?

I want to believe
But all that I know
Is it just smoke and mirrors?

Believe
I want to believe


After yet another strange dream, the question of whether everything I believed in is unreal, particularly my idea of love.

I’ll leave that musing for later, when I’m inspired enough to finish my 5th Dear You letter.

258: Infatuation Part 2

Related – 184: Infatuation

“When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn’t need to be a good reason.

Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that’s just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up.

But in the haze of infatuation, it’s just what you’ve been searching for all these years.”

– The Beach
Alex Garland

I guess this time, it’s different than the last person I was infatuated with. Before, I knew I wasn’t ready, while circumstances dictate that all I could do is simply adore her from afar. This time, I have to take (yet another) leap of faith.

Friends try to encourage me when I lament about how I feel being so noobish when I could smoothly talk to any other person I’m not attracted to. I guess there’s still that child in me that goes smitten at the sight of someone I’m attracted to. I wonder why can’t I unsee the way I look at her now; she was just but another face in the hundreds of photos I’ve taken over the year until a pattern of events developed. I don’t easily fall for someone, but when I do, it’s forever. I just cannot unsee it.

One of my friends said something which I’ll summarise through the Overconfident Alcoholic meme:

Overconfident Alcoholic

I realised how true those words were. Especially so that I know the difference between love and infatuation, and I need to tread carefully or risk expressing possessiveness and scaring her away again. This may yet be another case of meeting someone right at the wrong time, because it is unlikely that we’ll get together.

However I do believe that somehow, if life meant for us to get closer, that another opportunity would crop up. I have always believed in letting things flow naturally, as frustrating as it is. The universe will conspire to bring us together if we’re meant to have each other in our lives.

I can only hope she sees me the same way if that ever happens – that I’m a person life has sent her to bring her to greater heights together.

257: Dear You (4th Letter)

Dear You

I used to refuse to explore places alone, preferring to save them just so I could experience a whole new place with you. I’m sorry I grew tired of waiting; it’ll be close to two years, but I have found a new purpose to do so. I have always been afraid that a new place we go to isn’t good enough, and that it’ll be too hot or too boring or too normal. I explore places alone because I want to imagine us in them in detail – places where we’ll sit and talk for hours, places we’ll have each other’s company in silence and appreciate the ambience around us. We’ll just be another couple to a random passerby, but in our eyes time slows to a standstill.

Each new place we explore will be special, a place I will take beautiful photos of you and set up my tripod to take romantic photos of us, because nobody could picture us the way we do. We will even have our little video camera just so we could watch the awe and amazement in each other’s eyes over and over again. I may not be able to bring you out of this island yet, but I promise that I will save up and we could do so in the future, to horizons beyond.

I will take you to the darkest corner (I’m malay after all right?), where we can marvel at the beauty of light from its sources. I will take you to a quiet alleyway, hidden in plain sight among busy walkways. I will take you to places we can call our secret hideaways, existing in a moment separate from others’ reality. You will bring me to your favourite places and we’ll see the world through each other’s eyes, taking a walk in each other’s shoes.

In the day we wonder,
and in the night we wander,
looking up to the stars
and asking what do they see
when they shine upon us.

Love,

255: Dear You (3rd Letter)

Dear You

You make me feel alive. I wish for the day I could wake up to see the sun sparkling in your eyes, with my arms around you. I never liked the mornings, but you would pull me out of bed just so we could enjoy breakfast – the most important meal of the day they say – together. We’ll eat our favourite cereal sitting sleepily next to each other in comfortable silence. I’ll then drag you to the shower even though you hate to do it in the morning. It’ll take a long time for your hair to dry, but I’ll insist because I refuse to go out without bathing.

This is how our day will begin.

Love,

255: Thief

“There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft.

Every other sin is a variation of theft. When you kill a man, you steal a life… you steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness…

There is no act more wretched than stealing.”

The Kite Runner
Khaled Hosseini

Thief
Imagine Dragons
Smoke + Mirrors

If only you
You could see
The darkest place that you could be
Oh maybe then you’d understand

From desert heat to cobbled streets
From broken home to the city beat
There’s so much more than you could know

If I could live a thousand times
If I could make a thousand tries
Oh maybe then I’d get it right

The more I see
The more I know
That everyone just wants a show
No we don’t want to see the truth

When the stars look down on me
What do they see?

So take me back
When I believed
Back when I was unafraid
Just like a thief

All the heights
That I could reach
Back when I was unafraid
Just like a thief

Dear You (2nd Letter)

Dear You

Maybe it will take years,
months,
weeks,
days,
hours
before you read these words.

And maybe you’ll realise
it has been about you
all along
every
single
time
right about
now.

Love,


Wouldn’t it be quite a poetic tragedy
if two people have been writing about one another
yet neither would ever know?

252: My Heart Is Open

My Heart Is Open (feat. Gwen Stefani)
Maroon 5
V

I know you’re scared, I can feel it
It’s in the air, I know you feel that too
But take a chance on me
You won’t regret it, no

One more “No” and I’ll believe you
I’ll walk away and I will leave you be
And that’s the last time you’ll say no, say no to me

It won’t take me long to find another lover, but I want you
I can’t spend another minute getting over loving you

It’s just a moment go and seize it
Don’t be afraid to give your heart to me
And if you do, I know that I won’t let you down, no
Yeah, so hand it over, trust me with your love
I’ll do anything you want me to
‘Cause I can’t breathe until I see your face

Oh and I don’t need time to find another lover, but I want you
I can’t spend another minute getting over loving you

If you don’t ever say yeah
Let me hear you say yeah
Wanna hear you say yeah yeah yeah
Till my heart is open

Now you’re gonna say yeah
Let me hear you say yeah
Wanna hear you say yeah yeah yeah

Wanna hear you say
Wanna hear you say
Wanna hear you say

Yes yes yes yes yes yes


Why does it feel
like I already know you,
when I probably will
never ever do?